Crash Test Dummy

I fell down the stairs last night and did myself a serious injury me thinks, off to the hospital for x-rays in a bit not sure how or why it happened I just completely missed my footing thankfully we have a turn in the stairs so I hit the wall before I went to far, the kids saw it from the bedroom so felt a bit guilty as it really upset them but I managed to get downstairs without them noticing to much and mum tucked them back in to bed, blood everywhere ! I thought shag pile was supposed to be soft it nearly ripped my skin off down to the bone on my ankle

The evidence so far:-

• My ass is black on the right hand side
• I can feel bone in my arm on the fleshy bit
• My ring finger is broke, no two ways about it
• My hip is what is worrying me more, something definitely wrong with that, I got stabbed about 12 years ago my hip pain would put that to shame, could be just bruising if I am lucky
• Daily back pain is at an all time high due to fall so basically I am pretty much buckled up in agony

I am currently sat at the kitchen table with one cheek on & one cheek off with pillows under my arm to soften the pain a little, could do with a drink to be honest but I am very strict on alcohol in the day, unless it is a special occasion I won’t do it, that is a slippery slope to addiction.

Anyway on the plus side I get to moan alot today which always cheers me up, carrier just came to the front door “sir, would you mind taking in this parcel for no.8″ “yes I would, deliver it yourself”

Posh Hotels, Friends, Dirty Martini & SB 2.0 *Updated*

Yesterday was awfully busy business wise, will post about the weekends jolly later on in the meantime I am currently very cross and in a foul mood, I’ve ruined two perfectly cooked poached eggs by placing them with toasted crumpets…..BAD MOVE….not enough crunch to much slop I should have known better, I am not worthy of my executive chef status…I have demoted myself to KP for the day.

Better wrap this one up quick before I retire to bed after sustaining several broken bones last night…more to follow.

Well Friday finally arrived and it was time to set off to London to meet some of the crazy cats I speak to on whats seems like a daily basis, headed off to Newquay Airport around 1700 to catch the 2000 flight into Stansted (What a crap hole btw) plenty of time for a swift JD in the bar sadly no business lounge at Newquay so I had to pay for it. Time to board so a quick dash over the runway to make sure I bagged the Emergency exit seats (more leg room) then it was just a case of looking mean and bad tempered for 10 minutes so nobody sat next to me (works every time) and that was it really before the dozy dolly birds had a chance to pour me a drink it was seat belts back on for landing. Instructions from driver arrived on my mobile “Please call me when you are outside the Love Juice bar” had a little chuckle at the name and that was it, bloody great firm btw so should give them a mention Herts and Essex Taxis nice motors, new galaxy it was with plenty of room, driver was a good laugh which helps and not bad value £140 Return and I booked it online and paid paypal. Got to the hotel around 2130 from memory I got the location spot on as we had direct views from all windows right over the thames it was kind of a wedding anniversary type w/end as well so I splashed out a bit and got a Grand Room keep the old girl happy. I don’t normally do 5 star because I am not that posh I would probably compare myself more to the cabby, wife on other hand fitted in nicely, maybe standing outside in my flip flops smoking a roll up wasn’t quite the impression the guy who turned up outside in his bentley wanted to give his lady friend (Hooker) even the doorman tipped me the nod as we both had a chuckle. Anyway the hotel service & staff was the best I have ever experienced, totally amazing and genuine effort by the staff to make you feel great. Was it worth the money? I guess it was actually because I want more of that lifestyle, that was friday pretty much over, ordered room service and had some overpriced sandwich’s, a bottle of bubbly and watched some tv …and finally persuaded the wife to go out on the town lol think we got in around 3ish went to some cool bars, I think this one was the best.

Saturday… Got up around 5ish left the wife asleep and went for a stroll, London reminds me of Shanghai at night but by daybreak it was peaceful, bought 4 cups of tea at temple station and set them down by some homeless guys who seemed grateful I bunged them a tenner each and wished them well for the day the outlook was sunshine I think they could sense that. Wife hates me giving money to tramps “they will only spend it on booze and drugs yada yada yada” no shit love of course they are, hardly likely to spend it on a laura ashley duvet or some net curtains for there box are they! Got back to the hotel around 7.30, a full English was £30!! £30 fecking pound, no bloody way I was paying that so after a shower and some coffee we headed into town for a suitable eating hole, I turned on my egg sensors and spotted a cafe in the distance. Pretty sure it was called Guido’s, Italian joint but they had poached eggs on the menu so the deal was done and what a bloody lovely breakfast it was to the egg yolk was deep red just how I like it.

So onto SB 2.0 I’ll be honest I only went to it to say hello to a few people not a conference fan myself, normally it’s hot, to much walking involved and the tea is crap, I was right. However I did get to meet most of the people I intended to and had a good time (I did sneak out for a 3 hour lunch in covent garden mind you) a special thanks to Lynne who put up with me for most of the day, well done to Sue&Chris and all the other speakers and to this guy Henry/Dan who I believe put the whole show together and who believes most problems in life can be attributed to George Bush which made me chuckle.

This blog post is dragging on a bit….Left SB 2.0 >walk>hotel>shower>walk>dinner>drinks>Dirty Martini>walk>hotel>sleep>walk>breakfast>shopping>wine>Lunch>Taxi>Airport>Home…. there all done.

I think that will do for now.

I need to moan

Having the morning from hell, breadknife gone to the airport so left with all the chores before school, whats worse is I have to stand outside the school gates in 1 hour with a hair brush and some hair clips and look all pathetic and snare one of the breadknifes irratating mates to do Elly’s hair…..To be continued

Trepidation.

Funny thing happening this weekend, I will be meeting some guys I have known for years but I have never met before, it will be odd and fun, I am odd and I like fun so should be cool although god knows what they will make of me? I have never been guilty of making up an online persona like err “tall dark handsome clever and rich” , well I aint rich so that would a be a bit of a lie and a disappointment for those concerned, but you know what I mean, I read alot online and some people say all sorts of stuff about themselves and you know they are talking aload of old pony,,,

Anyway I am really looking forward to it even though I have done over a grand already on flights,cars and hotel….not even had a bloody drink yet!

More follows…..

Pull the other one Gordon Part II

As if breadsticks and balancing cheese on top wasn’t trauma enough, guess who popped up on BBC News 24, yep bloody blunkett as predicted, whats up David got someone elses wife pregnant again?  or does your new nanny need another visa?

Must be chasing a peerage while Gordo still has the power to dish one out. BTW David do you still own those shares in DNA Bioscience, you remember it was the firm that was being awarded a contract to carry out paternity tests for the CSA which was part of the Dept. for Work and Pensions the office you used to be Secretary of State of,,, before you had to resign AGAIN.

What a farce, and what’s worse we pay for it. Shame on you Labour.

Gordon has played a blinder(I read that somewhere earlier) it’s not called a blinder guys, it’s called pissing in the wind facing the wrong way wearing beige colour trousers. Muppets.

A couple of irratations

You know when you really fancy something then BAM you discover you can’t have it, well that’s happened twice today already although overall a fairly smooth and pain free morning,,

• I wanted Cheese & Biscuits, no bloody biscuits
• I found something called breadsticks in the cupboard, and it ain’t easy to balance the cheese on those buggers, mind you on reflection I ate less of them because of this.

Pull the other one Gordon

You almost have to feel sorry for gordy I mean how embarrassed was he when he picked up the phone and offered that weasel Mandleson his job back with a peerage to boot, that’s one little skeleton in gordy’s wardrobe he hoped everyone would forget about, but now they are best pals again, hell I wouldn’t be surprised if you catch them up west one night with an orange stuck in there mouth.

How long would you give Labour 12 months,18 ? Mandleson will be fine though, not a bad gig for a disgraced minister who still can’t explain how he could buy a £2.4 million pound house in London, btw Europe are giving him a big fat allowance for moving back to the UK, why? he’s got a bloody house down the road from parliament already! And if he manages to run his full term assuming he doesn’t have to resign again he will get a lifetime peerage allowance from the house of lords, £90 a day just for being alive with subsidised meals,rent boys and wine.

Yep, Mandleson will be just fine, the others if they are lucky can pick up a gig from the back of the Telegraph and might just survive,,,, “Hazel, table 4 needs more poached eggs”

Whilst our war heros sit around a 1 bar electric heater that moron will be signing in for a free lunch everyday and picking up £90, not forgetting that some pathetic city institution will want a peer on the bottom of there executive embossed letter head so bung on another £5k a week, £30k a year from the EU,, life is starting to look pretty good for Lord sleaze…

It doesn’t stop there though, have you heard of Stephen Carter he’s getting one aswell, not bad for a guy who used to run NTL and who couldn’t spin a yoyo, the guy was worse than hopeless so why not sack him. Do you remember not so long ago Bradford & Bingley went to the wall and it had to be bailed out by us, well the guy who made a fortune short selling bingley stock has been appointed as a city minister! yep, Paul Myners a guy so sneaky and greedy he will probably share the orange.

Gordy knows the game is up,  how many of his old pal’s do you think he will bring back and give them a peerage before it’s to late….Blunkett he’s a bit disgraceful, lacking morals, lies a lot, a perfect ingredient for today’s labour menu

Make no mistake people they look after each other first and now the writing is firmly on the wall those group of weasels will do all they can to get as much as they can out of our country.

Todays to do (am)

I will decide on PM activites shortly

• School Run
• Barbers
• Dry Cleaners
• Bank
• Breakfast (4 minutes left, poaching them and feeling excited about the outcome)
• News
• Handful of emails, had 9 best offers overnight, had to counter every dam one, I blame GWB
• Call office let them know I am alive

Eggs done, eaten, YUM

Unintentional Humour

I was looking for salvation earlier, something to cheer me up, I came across this, hope you like:-

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is
www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company…
www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always
www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com

I think I like number 8 the best.

I surmised correctly

Surmised correctly? not sure if thats good grammer, who cares.

Since my last moaning post I have achieved the following

• I stubbed my big toe
• I went out to the garage to get a DVD from my stash, took 20 minutes
• Went to put the DVD in the machine and the bloody box was empty
• It started to pour down just as I got out the back door, result was squidgy flip flops
• Film was scratched, so I couldn’t bloody watch it!!
• Stuck on music channel and had a little dance with Katie Perry and stubbed my big toe again FFS
• Spilt milk down my T-Shirt

I have written off the rest of the day. I had a nice comment on my blog earlier from a reader called Lynne, I think she maybe correct I do moan an awful lot and I may aswell just rename all my cats. to “Moans” and then have sub cats. depending on the context of the moan.

I suppose the only glimmer of hope left for the day is its Tuesday and that means I can play snooker later and have lots of Jack Daniels.

P.S If you have seen posts from me elsewhere then you may have noticed I always say cats. there is a good reason for this, I have absolutely no idea how to spell catorgories